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[11 Jun 2009|01:50am]
It's really great to feel something again. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's great to have some emotion after cutting myself off from every thing and everyone. I plan on returning back to my old self along with a few adjustments. I even re-pierced my cartlidge to put a new "Welcome Back Kaylee" sign on myself. It was nice knowing that hole wasn't so closed up like I thought it was. Adjusting to a whole new surrounding is harder than I thought it would be. Not knowing who you are or what you're going to do in life is another hard thing to get around. I still don't know what exactly I want to do yet. I plan on going to ECC will help me save money and give me time to grow up to exactly give me exactly what I want to do. I don't want to be the person who spends three years knowing what they want to do (spend all the money in the world for it), then decide that they really don't want to do that anymore. If I go to ECC, I'll be able to afford live. And correct that statement- I am going to ECC. I don't care who looks down upon that school- I don't care who tells me that ECC wont give me an education because they are wrong. I wont be put down by anyone. But, on a brighter note I have been inspired. I know I want to do something with art. I love art. Art is so expressional, and so fantastic. I was thinking about being an art teacher. I would love the schedule they would give me. I would love the kids. I would love coming up with projects. The pay wouldn't be that great..but, if I'm doing something I love..then whats the point? That's in my mind. But like I said, I'm going to give myself those few years just to figure myself out.

As simple as that.
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[27 May 2009|01:40am]
One day, I'm going to be very orignal.
I hate shadows, and today is the day I'm afraid of my own shadow.
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[27 May 2009|12:30am]
I really want to provide myself a good future to look forward to. To do so, I am going to have to give up some dreams to travel to the place that I dream about. It's not called failure in my eyes. Just stepping stones that I will have to take to get over to the other side. I regret a couple things in life, but nothing that's too personal or could hurt anyone. I wish I could do those four years all over again of high school. I did fairly well but not good enough. My spirits were always down and twisted in the love that was pointless. I looked too far in the future instead of standing my ground. I tell myself that when I have kids, I will explain to them the importance of high school. High school is a trial of four years before your own life begins. High school is when you can slack off a bit but should know when to do work. High school is an eye opener to life. I know that many of you can believe that the people we meet now aren't the people who really stand out in the world. But, it's a good taste of fanasty until we have to hit reality hard. I feel like I'm on the right track right now. I thought my future was planned out since freshman year. But, my path has changed so much in the past month. It hurts to know that dream can't be reality because of money issues. Money is what makes the world go round, but I really wish it could be seen as nothing but a piece of paper. I have a good, reliable job that gives me a lot of hours. With a nice hourly pay. I come home with over a hundred dollars every week and that adds up. But what I make won't make my dreams for me in an instant. I have choose to take a couple years at ECC (enough to get my general studies out of the way). My hope for after that is double majoring in psych/photography so I can actually focus on those both. But in those two years of studying general studies could just change. I will research the job market and figure something out. I always figure something out. I just never want to be in the position my parents are. I love them to death, but they set some examples. I figure, I'll get there. After all, I'm that puzzle waiting to be solved.
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School! [20 May 2009|10:27am]
I swear it's time to get more serious about everything.
Senioritious really kicked in through my four years but this is when I call it to stop. I'm going to do fastweb daily and apply for any scholarship I can find. If my Senior Thesis is out of the way, it's time I can just relax for once.

It's time to make a change because I just feel so suffercated from everything that used to be around.
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I time bomb [19 May 2009|11:16pm]
Amazing thing ever:


What the hell could I ever ask for on my 18th birthday than to see my x-lover from a long time?!
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[14 May 2009|07:51pm]
5 pages into my senior thesis, only four more paragraphs.
Had to fix up Devin and listen to him on the phone today since I was worried about him. But in a way, he had it coming to him.
Working out with Nick tomorrow to make up 2 gym days I missed!
I was so tired yesterday from everything I did, and I was so into Lemon-aid tycoon that I forgot to set my alarm clock for school :/
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Fortune Me [13 May 2009|08:40pm]
This was a very long day, but somewhat productive! I believe I'm moving in the right direction with just about every thing. I'm just hoping I actually finish at the finish point instead of being left behind. School can't go any slower. We are in the teen's next week of the amount of day's left of in-school classes we have. I want things to just be over. It's just dragging. But, on the good news..after my senior thesis I practically will be done with school. So after next week, I'll be graduating (practically). I have four 1/2 pages into my english paper about 2012 then Geoff and I will be putting together my powerpoint and I'll be done. All thats left is present and I have to be chill about that. It all should go well.

I'm starting to love work. It's more chill back than it has ever been, and I'm really close to everyone there. SO it's more of going to work with friends than co-workers. We do dances and sing out loud and laugh a lot of time. Joke around and truthfully I'll be missing Holly. I feel as if nothing is very in order anymore. But, when Derek and Karen left our store feels like it is slowly falling apart. I guess that is just apart of the process until someone sets some rules in that place.

And driving! Oh driving! I'm driving home from work now when dad comes to pick me up! I will soon hit the thru-way at 6am a Sunday morning maybe this Sunday when I have work at 7am! I had my second driving class today..and we went around the neighborhood of West Seneca. I did 2 3 point turns perfectly! But, I don't want to forget the process of it. All I can remember is signal, blind spot, signal, turn, then reverse, then turn other way, then straighten out. I feel very accomplished with driving! I just have to loosen up, and things will go much finer. She was cute and was a hour early to pick me up from work, and she told me if I need to get to buffalo and am in West Seneca...we'll take a trip out there. She is very cute and I'm excited I got so lucky!

Every thing is just great.
I really hope I can get into Buff State though, the crap SAT scores are scaring me to death. :/
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Gotta Shake it out! [30 Apr 2009|08:57pm]
Even though I feel like I'm giving up on a dream, the big picture is that my dream still can be alive. I would love to go to Villa and it has been my number one school choice but ever since I got the letter with the how much I will owe the school, I couldn't take it. Maybe it's my fault for not going with any scholorships and I feel horrible that I put myself in this situation. But, I feel like it's a learning expeirence. It's a way to keep me out of danger's way. How? Well, photography in itself won't get me anywhere. I will be a starving artist for years until maybe I can get notice if somebody stumbles across my web page. I applied to Buff State today, even though it's real late in the college applying I did it anyways. They have rolling admissions meaning I can get in. I am going to major in psych to do art thearpy and I'm going to see if I can double major in photography too. I could do so much with art thearpy. I'm not going to narrow it down in majoring in art thearpy. Just because Psych can do so much for me too. I could work in a mental hospital like I always wanted to. Try photography as a side job. Maybe I can get somewhere- make extra money. Be a photography teacher. But, I want to help people and with people being so fucked up these days I really wont be out of a job. I want to work with teenagers. But then again, I feel like I should expirence their problems to understand them. I had a very fair life with no complications really and I'm going to enter a realm of stories I can never imagine. I'm going to try to work in their footsteps. Try to understand and try to live their lifes. I'm reading Stranger than Fiction by Chuck Palahniuk and he writes, "You can't write a story without expirencing what the character has." Like an author shoplift since her character was going to steal everything. Can't write about a serial killer without feeling the adrenline when you're about to end someones life. Can't write about being a drug addict if you never touched a drug in your life. I'm not going to go out and do drugs to understand a paitent. But through art, I'm going to teach them a lot. I hope they can like me and be better some day. I hope I can get accepted to Buff State to actually live this dream. I hope. I hope. I hope.

Manchester Orchestra tomorrow- really excited! Exciting to sing 100 dollars and Shake it out. I'm going to bring my camera along for the ride. I hope it survives.
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Please be able [14 Apr 2009|12:17am]
Ever since you left me..I been so out of order.

I need you back, more than anything. But you simply won't come back to me until devistation knocks at your door.

I really wish you realized how much you need me in your every day life. But maybe I'm the only one that really realizes that. I don't know why I need you so much to feel like I have that void cleared up.

I just miss a lot about you. I really hope you can always stick with me. Even though, when you're married..I'll never hear from you again :).

You mean a lot to me, I want you to know that and ever since you found somebody I have became a mess. I don't know what exactly to do. I need your friendship and thats all.

I'll be waiting for you to someday talk to me like you used to.
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[13 Apr 2009|10:34pm]
I hate being stuck in time.
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Ugh.. [07 Apr 2009|08:03am]

People have to be so obssesed to vote on the theme of WSW Senior prom to be on Twilight? Yeah, dress up like vampires and suck the blood of that terrible actress! Retarded. People don't really understand good books and truthfully people who obsess over twilight can go suck it because it's the most horrible vampire romance I have ever heard in my life. A prom theme about prom? How lame

Good thing I'm not going to it.
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[05 Apr 2009|01:37am]
I don't want you in my life. I figured that out already. You make me hurt ten times more than everyone has ever made me hurt. But, I'm going to let you back in..just this one last time. But I promise you all, I have no real hope in this last chance. He pleads he needs me and I can't give up on a best friend..yet, he is only poison to me so why should I continue to care?

You're never going to leave me alone, are you?
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[03 Apr 2009|08:45pm]
Laundry MatCollapse )
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[02 Apr 2009|01:03am]
I really hate close-minded people.
I really hate hopeful people
because I always tend to get let down.

If you believe in something, let yourself hope.
But truthfully...
it's a ball of lies.
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Windy days, Picnic blankets, sweet kisses and sweet smell of fresh air. [31 Mar 2009|11:59pm]
I have a lot of competition. I have a lot of learning to do. I have a lot of exploring to discover. I have details to be watched. I have money to be saved.

I need to start saving. Simple as that. I need my work-laptop as soon as august. I don't know how thats going ot happen with my random food shoppings and here and there clothes. I don't have under a hundred in my account so thats nice..

That book at Borders just really opened to my eyes of how I have tons of competition. I must say, I need to grab a voice and grab it soon because photographer's voice is hushed too much.

As much as I'm leaning towards finding another major and going to buff state, something is just telling me to stay where I am. I can't back out now.

I want to do this project with making me look like a marionette doll with the two strings and the little handle type thing. But I really need to learn photoshop for that, and I'm lost...

I really love picnics but not so much on cold days. I love subway, especially when it's free. I love shopping for dresses and seeing how inexpensive they are. I hope to make him happy if I decide to go. But as of right now, it's a no unless I find that perfect dress. But right after prom, I will be leaving to tornoto for a weekend. Very excited.

I love the ring you got me, very creative-thinking, and very nice listening skills because I couldn't ask for anything better. It defines me. And no, children, it isn't a wedding ring. Pffft.

This entry was all over the place.
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Finding some sympathy. [30 Mar 2009|11:27pm]
Relationship's, Stairs, and pills are my worst fears.

I don't know how to get over the fact of you ever leaving me.
I don't know how I will ever get the fear of slipping and hitting my head on every stair hard as I can falling down.
I don't know how I will ever get the fear of choking out of my head.

It's all a ficious cycle. I don't know how to calm my mind to make a very easy peaceful life for me.

It all starts from the roots, and I just simply can't weed those damn roots.
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To my mistress the grave... [27 Mar 2009|11:04pm]
I really love that also, that baker likes every time I die tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

More great music to listen to while baking! Finally! No more scary music!
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Your English is Good. [22 Mar 2009|09:41pm]
Just run away to the burning forest,
Run as fast as you can before the burning flame catches up.
You're time is limited but burning quick as the fuel is burning up high.
I am mother nature, whatever I say goes in this forest.
You're my target, and you are my pawn.
Never believe what Smokey the bear ever told you because when it comes to me...my love burns bright.
Read the letters I have carved out of the tree trunk of wood.
Thousand years old, as the thousand year old words stick through this piece of flimsy paper.
I write furiously as I watch you run for your life.
Run away,
The flame is about to engulf your dreams, your idenitiy and your life.
There is never a chance to live with me.
You might as well write your will now.
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TORONTO [22 Mar 2009|08:37am]
-Megan's Birthday
-An hour and a half to get past the guards.
-Toronto was a far drive..
-We stopped at Ieka and I decided thats the place I'm going to go when I live on my home to decorate my house.
-Arrived in toronto.
-Had the room 1408 but got it changed since it only had one bed...and there was three of us.
-Were invited for a hotel danceparty crunk party with random boys...DECLINE.
-Went to china town/had an awkward conversation with a townee on the bus.
-China town!
-Bubble TEAAa-but I knew I always didn't like those bubbles..
-Walked back by our hotel.
-Walked the streets, roamed the undergrounds.
-Took the pictures like tourists.
-Found a really nice resturant after many failed attempts for looking for somewhere good to go.
-Ate some delicious food, waiting forever to get the whole process of PAYING for the food.
-Back to the hotel.
-Roamed every floor to try to find the pool that didn't exist.
-Watched resident evil in our hotel room.
-Had a few texts to my boo until I was out cold.
-Thought about the charges I was gonna be charged..then believed it was worth it.
-Woke up multiple times because the hotel room was freezing...according to me...
-Woke up at 530
-Stayed in bed until 6 (typical kaylee move)
-Left by 6:05, had trouble getting TO the car. Locked out of the parking garage.
-When we got going, we went 80-90 all the way through.
-Stopped for typical tim hortons food for breakfast.
-Gaurds asked us how we were friends...a friend of a friend through myspace and a friend since birth.
-Got home, now am tired as ever.
-Have to work 6 hours..then hopefully find a way to buffalo to go bike riding...yet, I doubt that will happen.

...so, for now, I'm looking forward to sleep.
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Photos, Canvas, Oil paints and the smell of fresh new cut wood :) [11 Mar 2009|05:33pm]
I really thought the field trip would of been a waste of time and I would rather just sit at home at noon. But, the field trip to Buff state and Penny art has pushed me to want to be an art student even more. I really am looking forward to being an art student. It just feels so right. While looking in the classrooms it has motivated me to actually take time on my art works and think more in-depth with them. I never knew Buff State had such a nice art program, even a photography program! Even though all of this is super exciting and all of my friends are pretty much at Buff state...my heart is in Villa. I was talking to the woman who was in charge of the tour. She asked me if I'm going into the art field, I told her yes but when I told her I like how Villa is small she kind of turned away from me. She was like, "Well you can always transfer here to finish it up for the four years!" And so, I could. I'm not only going to have two years of photography..thats if it stays as two years. It's suppose to turn into four. So, hopefully during my stay there that will happen.
I didn't like being in the dark room- which is something I'm going to have to get over. It's so small and...I don't like being confined in small places..I get really sick. But at least the dark room at villa is much bigger than the one at buff state. Which also, the professor said that photography is the biggest upcoming major...which, I could see why but it kind of gives me fear of all the competition I'm going to have to face. I pretty much know that this major is either going to give me a living or make me fall flat on my face. But at this point, I'm not thinking about that. I'm just thinking that I can get somewhere with photography or even art. I'm in love with art, and artists.
I just want to leave high school. I been wanting to leave since freshman year. Chelsea and I always used to talk about just leaving and after high school plans. I believe high school was a waste of my time. I believe the fun years will be in college. I'm just excited to study something I love, do projects, READ...ahhhhhh, just get me in there!
The field trip was fun...I got to sit with Autumn, Matt and her two friends during lunch. We got about an hour for lunch and Autumn and Matt was there until I had to go to penny art so it was really exciting to see them. Matt and I just talked about everything and I got my hug and my bite from him since thats what he did all the time when I saw him in school. Along with playing my hair but he is angry I cut all of that off. I love my Matt.
College is pretty interesting..only a few more months :)
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